Aimster Has an Allergic Reaction

I like to be proud of myself for things that are actually completely beyond my control.  It gives me satisfaction, like I am naturally beating the world at its own twisted game.  One thing I have always felt makes me superior to others is that I am not allergic to any foods.  I don’t think less of people who have food allergies; I just like to think that my body was built for greatness. 

I recently learned the hard way that when you are snobbishly proud, sometimes a greater force sees fit to smack you sideways and spit on your misery. 

I don’t really know how it started, but I suspect it was at a dinner meeting I attended a few weeks ago.  The chef had concocted a homemade Italian dish.  One bite revealed that it was way beyond my spicy tolerance, but I didn’t want to be rude so I ate my whole portion anyway, hoping that sipping wine after each bite would either alleviate the pain to my tongue or eventually make me tipsy enough to ignore it.  That strategy made me run out of wine pretty quickly with neither feat accomplished. 

My tongue was still burning when I snuggled into bed a few short hours later, but I felt okay.  I drifted off into dreamland.  Unfortunately, dreamland was visited by punk-jerk (I am coining that phrase because it describes what I’m trying to get across better than either word on its own) nightmares where I was in pain and could do nothing to stop it.  But the combination of wine and lack of sleep made me drowsy enough that I never awoke until I heard the horrid noise that is worse than the screech of a murderous harpy (a.k.a. my alarm clock). 

When I did emerge from punk-jerk dreamland, I truly was in pain.  My throat and chest felt quite tight and it hurt to breathe or swallow.  I began to wonder if I was having an allergic reaction.  However, being the responsible adult that I am, I decided that I still needed to go to work.

A few hours into work, responsibility was becoming a side thought.  Furthermore, after learning of my ailment, my co-workers insisted I go to the hospital.  I decided to call my insurance to get a list of places I could go and still be covered.  A customer service operator gave me the information for two urgent care centers and two hospitals. 

I drove myself to the nearby urgent care center, where I ended up in an elevator full of moms and children because the building also housed Dan the Man Superkids, which is a gym described on the website as “an awesome new facility designed by Dan the Man to provide and encourage a fit and healthy lifestyle for children”.  I made a mental note that I should participate in any study where they can Benjamin Button my age for a day so that I could go play there, but my pain deterred me from pretending to be an expectant mother just so I could check it out. 

Upon exiting on the correct floor of the building, I went to sign into urgent care, only to learn that the urgent care people rented out a normal doctor’s facility after hours and during the daytime I would have to make an appointment.  Thanks for the head’s up on that info, Aetna insurance.  I had just wasted more time not getting treatment for my increasingly tight throat and chest. 

The UCLA hospital was the next closest place.  Being a graduate of USC, a short moral dilemma where I contemplated whether or not I could bring myself to enter the UCLA campus ensued, but that ended when I remembered that some people slowly asphyxiate to death from allergic reactions and perhaps this wasn’t the time for my Trojan pride.        

I got checked in to the hospital and all my vitals were a-okay.  They had me take a seat in the waiting room, at which point I decided to check my texts as I’d sent a few freak-out messages saying I was going to the hospital.  At that point I’d only heard from my parents, so I guess they really do love me the mostest.  After reassuring them that I was going to be okay, which is always a fun thing to say when you have absolutely no control over such matters, I read the magazine I’d conveniently stashed in my purse.  Soon after my boyfriend Orongejello got a hold of me and told me he was coming to the hospital.  I tried to talk him out of it because I knew he had lots of things to do that day, but he is a good boyfriend and insisted on being there. 

I got moved into a teensy-weensy room and had to put on one of the poorly engineered hospital gowns. The gaps between the top and bottom ties were so large that no matter how tight I tied it, the flap was always opening up and revealing my chest.  Thankfully, I got to keep my bra on, so I didn’t flash everyone completely. 

Two doctors came in, one a veteran and one a newbie learning the ropes.  That’s what you get in a teaching hospital.  For the rest of this entry, the veteran doctor will be referred to as Burt while the newbie will be referred to as Ernie.  Burt and Ernie asked lots of questions, told me that my throat had broken out in a rash, and decided they were going to jam a camera down my mouth and esophagus to make sure it wasn’t closing up for realsies. 

Whilst they set out to set up the camera, Orongejello arrived, which made me feel better because he is strong and has medical knowledge so if the UCLA people attempted to poison me upon finding out I was from USC he would be able to stop them.  I suppose having a hand to hold was nice too. 

Burt came back and moved me into an eye examination room with one of those electric chairs, which he made taller so my throat would be at eye level.  He then sprayed my mouth and throat with a numbing spray.  It may have been the worst thing to ever enter my mouth, and I tasted things like glue when I was a foolish youngster.  It actually stung.  If I were an advocate of torture, I would say this should be used to get terrorists to talk.  The only problem would be that it numbs your mouth, making it a bit difficult to say anything clearly.  Maybe it could be sprayed in eyes.  I would probably admit my deepest darkest secrets that only my dead dog knows if someone did that to me (R.I.P. Sparky). 

Burt had me grab my tongue and hold it out of my mouth as he put the camera into my oral cavity.  After a few seconds of examination, he concluded that my body was not choking itself.  I thought I was in the clear until Ernie arrived.  Burt asked Ernie if he wanted to try using the camera because he’d never done that before.  He briefly explained the process, and then Ernie proceeded.  Ernie was not such a smooth operator as Burt.  I tried not to gag, but all the willpower in the world couldn’t have prevented such action.  I probably sounded like Regan from The Exorcist in the part where she breathes all funny.  Needless to say, if I’d had a rubber ducky, I would have jammed it down Ernie’s throat. 

Burt had me go back to my original room, where Orongejello and I sat for a few minutes until Ernie came in to tell me that I was indeed having an allergic reaction and to give me antihistamines.  After that, they told me to go home and rest up.  It was a good thing Orongejello was there because I wasn’t allowed to drive. 

There’s not much exciting to report after that.  I spent the rest of the day sleeping and for 3 more days eating felt like my throat was the head of a needle and food was an elephant getting forced through.  When I finally could consume nourishment painlessly, I made the poor choice of having a hamburger, onion rings, and a Butterfinger milkshake.  That didn’t sit so well, but I did watch The Expendables right afterward, so I had absurdly powerful guns and ridiculously awesome knife stunts to distract me from the nausea. 

I still don’t know for sure what caused the allergic reaction.  I suppose I should go to the allergist one of these days so he can stick some needles in me and tell me what’s what.  I have to be careful who I go see though.  Those UCLA hospital people may have figured out where my loyalties lie by now, and sticking me with danger needles sounds like a pretty good way to do me in.