Aimster Becomes an Investigative Coroner

A few weeks ago my little brother David, my boyfriend Orongejello, and I went hiking. On the way we had a discussion about tackling wild animals, which led to Orongejello suggesting that we have a weekly poker night where tackling different animals would equate a certain number of free buy-ins. And now onto another story that will soon be related.

This week the wondrous Orongejello left to go to Alaska for 5 ½ weeks, which was sad news [polar] bears. When he arrived at the airport, he texted me this picture:

The caption read: “Standing next to the lady whose brother in law shot this polar bear displayed at the Anchorage airport.”

Our conversation proceeded as such:
Aimster: Shooting a polar bear is the easy way out. Tackling a polar bear should equate free buy-ins for poker night for at least 6 months.
Orongejello: Or a picture of yourself over the mantle on poker night if it ends poorly.
Aimster: With the caption, “Died Tackling a Polar Bear for the Love of Texas Hold ‘Em”.
Orongejello: The coroner’s report listed “natural selection” as the cause of death.
Aimster: I wish they could write things like that on coroners’ reports. Like instead of heart attack it says, “40 years of Sunday brunch with chocolate chip pancakes and butter”.
Orongejello: Sounds like a short story: “The Brief Life of an Investigative Coroner”.
Aimster: Personally I would appreciate a coroner who cares that much. Cancer is such a boring diagnosis. “Career in rubber manufacturing that resulted in an overwhelming exposure to BPA” is much more personal, and would even help people to learn what habits to adopt or ditch for health reasons.

And so, to continue my occasional trend with having a socially conscious blog, I've concocted 10 examples of improved diagnoses on coroner reports.

1. So anxious to go sledding she didn’t take the time to properly dress for the cold weather = Pneumonia
2. George W. Bush = War Casualty
3. Failed to shake his college fraternity days = Cirrhosis of the Liver
4. Unstoppable need to emulate Humphrey Bogart = Lung and/or Throat Cancer attributed to Smoking
5. Lives in Los Angeles = Traffic Collision
6. Misconception that friends wearing “D.A.R.E.” shirts would never give him anything unsafe to consume = Drug Overdose
7. Went too far with enactment of the “Five Little Monkeys” song = Brain Hemorrhage
8. Decided that orange was a good color for flowers, basketballs, and her skin = Melanoma
9. Thought that travel vaccines were only for people weaker than him = Malaria (Note: This is my projected coroner’s statement for Chuck Norris.)
10. Overexposure to Fall Out Boy, Simple Plan, Dashboard Confessional, etc. = Suicide

Until next time, remember this: There’s more to measles than meets the eye.