Aimster Ponders the Harm of Abstinence-Only Education

Lately I’ve been thinking that I should try to be more socially responsible with my blog, lest everyone think that I spend all my days brainstorming inappropriate pick-up lines when in reality I only spend most of my days partaking in such tasks. Therefore, today I am writing about a topic on which I have practically zero expertise: abstinence-only education. I could look up some statistics, but that would be too much work, so I’m just going to suggest that you take everything I say as the truth.

There are a lot of issues being flung around in politics today, and as a result, abstinence-only education is sometimes relegated to the backburner. Meanwhile, lots of teens have a bun in the oven. [Do you like how I tied together those stove phrases? If so, you are like my Dadio, whom my family tends to regard as the king of “Dad Jokes”.] Most of these pregnancies are unwanted, although there’s always that crazy girl who thinks that if she gets knocked up by the 17-year-old love of her life, they will be together forever and never again will he cheat on her with the slut who lives across the street. Logical as it may seem, it’s not.

Research that I haven’t really read shows that abstinence-only education isn’t terribly effective. Supposedly youths in these programs are no less likely to have sex, but because they were not taught about birth control, they’re more likely to have unprotected sex. As I investigated this topic further, I found a lot of supporting evidence for this argument. I will now debunk some common myths about pregnancy and birth control. I found these quotes on the interweb in the form of questions, so I am calling them “Question Myths” because I am smart like that:

Question Myth #1 – “Can you NOT get pregnant by eating peanut butter before having sex?”
Apparently some people think that the thick viscosity of peanut butter creates an equally thick viscosity in one’s jizz, which keeps it from swimming enthusiastically into the uterus. This is tragically untrue. If it were true, we’d be training children to practice safe sex since preschool, when they indulge in such grand treats as PB&J or Fluffies. I think the only way eating peanut butter could keep one from getting preggers is if one used peanut butter to help swallow an oral contraceptive. I might have to start doing that; it does sound more fun.

Question Myth #2 – “Can you still get pregnant if you jump up and down immediately after sex?”
Oh, ignorant minions, if only this were true. It would be the cheapest form of birth control ever. But it would be messy. Can you imagine hopping up and leaping around as whatever just got shot up into you spewed out all over the place? That would take away from the appeal. But it would be a good way to keep burning calories.

Question Myth #3 – “Can you use a plastic bag if you don't have a condom?”
I know that this is definitely not true for bags from Ralph’s, because I bring those back with holes in them all the time. Especially when it’s a bag holding bananas, which offers a good comparison. Target has pretty durable bags, but they still don’t guarantee pregnancy or STD prevention. It might only be a matter of time before that changes because Target is taking over the world. I should note for all the citizens who are going green that using a reusable canvas grocery bag probably won’t keep you from fertilizing either. Plus it would hurt.

Question Myth #4 – “If a guy drinks really cold water before sex, can he not get a girl pregnant?”
The thought behind this theory is that the cold water would somehow freeze the sperm, thereby rendering it immobile. Obviously, that is not a very well thought out thought, because if the water isn’t even cold enough to be frozen itself, why should it be cold enough to freeze the sperm? Interestingly, I have not come across any wonderings suggesting that drinking really hot water will melt sperm, so this is not a situation like, “What killed the dinosaurs, fire or ice?” But it should be like that, because dinosaurs are awesome.

Question Myth #5 – “Can your baby get pregnant if you have sex while pregnant?”
Currently, this is not possible. But it will be soon, as this query has prompted me to write an excellent sci-fi screenplay. Possible titles are “Devil Baby in My Baby”, “Attack of the Baby of the Baby”, and “Double Baby Squared”. That last one doesn’t make sense but it has a nice ring to it. Coming soon to a theater near you.

Question Myth #6 – “If you get pregnant and have a baby then have unprotected sex with the same male can they make you pregnant again? I am 12 and I know this is a stupid question.”
Oh, to be 12 again. So young and curious about the ways of the world. To have never understood the concept of siblings. Those were the good ole days. And then you hit 13 and you realize that yes, the same person can get you pregnant more than once, and that’s when you start hoping that you can keep that baby out of your tummy if only you push on your belly button really hard after sex. That doesn’t work either, by the way.

If you have a teenager in your life, or a 12 year old, make sure to inform him or her of all the false information out there, especially if he or she is having an abstinence-only education shoved down his or her throat. After all, you don’t want to be the parent with the pregnant daughter who asks, “How did this happen?” and gets the response, “I don’t know! I ate an entire jar of peanut butter beforehand and he drank a whole gallon of cold water. We even did jumping jacks together afterward!”

Note: If this situation actually happens to you, please force your child to give the baby up for adoption. It deserves a fighting chance, after all.