Aimster Sends a Letter to Domino's Pizza

Domino’s Pizza recently launched an advertising campaign to promote their all-new recipe, which apparently is so knock-your-socks-off amazing that it beat Papa John’s in a national taste test. I tend to think that a study with that conclusion could only have been constructed by someone as clueless as Paris Hilton, or possibly the Snuggle's Bear. After all, the Snuggle's Bear is so damn cute that he’d be sure to divert peoples’ attention away from the actual taste of the pizza. As for Paris Hilton, well, maybe her fake tan, bad hair extensions, and/or fucked-up nose would prove distracting. Or maybe she would just loan people cocaine from her private stash before they tried the Domino’s brand. That would certainly skew the results.

I was curious about the new and improved Domino’s and thought I should give it a shot. I was going to purchase one until I saw a commercial that changed my mind. Ironically, it was a Domino’s commercial.

In the advertisement, Domino’s claims that basically everyone has tried their new pizza, except for a select few “holdouts”. Because this is about as unacceptable as genocide, they target a specific “holdout” by putting personally addressed Domino’s signs all around his town, and finally by bringing him a pizza to eat whilst they film his reaction. I’m sure even Paris could guess whether or not he liked it.

This commercial rubbed me the wrong way, so I decided to write Domino’s a letter about my feelings. Here it is:


Dear Domino’s Hot Shot Executive,

It has come to my attention that your company recently came up with a new pizza recipe so that people would no longer compare your food to cardboard. Let me begin by congratulating you for this conversion. After all, nobody wants to be told that they suck at the thing they are supposed to be best at.

I was all ready to try your new pizza when I saw one of your commercials on television, and those 30 seconds of viewing left me with great dismay. In the commercial, an entire crew of Domino’s employees/enthusiasts go out of their way to bring one of the improved pizzas to a “holdout”. They then film him sampling the pizza and consider the entire operation a great success when he deems it delicious.

The subject of the commercial began as a common person on par with me: he was a Domino’s new recipe virgin. But then he got a free pizza. I simply cannot understand this. Why should this guy get a free pizza and not me? Is he better than me somehow? Is it because he’s a man and I’m a woman? Are you trying to be sexist? Women like pizza too, you know. Don’t you remember how April ate pizza along with the Ninja Turtles? The man in your commercial received a pizza at no cost. I feel that I should be entitled to the same privilege.

Although you have greatly offended me, there is a simple solution to this problem. Just send me a free pizza, and all will be well again. I won’t feel psychologically scarred, and I will no longer have trouble falling asleep wondering if I am on some sort of free pizza naughty list. I am usually home after 8 pm on Mondays through Fridays. I am also willing to accept a gift certificate.

Thank you for your kind attention to this matter. I hope you have a pleasant day.


And then I included my name and address. I'll let you know when I get my pizza.